On Giving Up

Being in Haiti is hard.
Working in Haiti is hard.
Accomplishing tasks, goals, dreams in Haiti is hard.

This trip it all has just seemed hard.  Too hard.

This trip I seem to have been inundated with the negative, with what's not working, with what's wrong with everything.  Those negative thoughts have been eating away at me.  I see what has not changed, what has not been accomplished in the three years I've really been working with Gertrude.  I see the dreams that have been sidelined, put on hold, changed all together.

I see my own lack of development in language--I'm not much more able to speak Creole now than when I came last year.  How can that be?  How can I be so lacking in language skills after spending five months here?  What wasted opportunity.

I have struggled to see any positive impact on this little corner of Haiti in spite of the efforts of so many people over the years--why bother continuing?  What's the point?

I'll be honest--this trip, I've felt like packing it up, saying I can't do it.  Saying it's too much for me.  Maybe somebody else can succeed where I have not.

Then God sent hope.

Hope came with Rachel and Gloria.  They came to talk with me and saw only the possibilities of Notre Maison/St. Joe's and Providence Guesthouse.

I saw broken walls, dirty cement, and bland decor.  They saw ministry opportunities for excited teams.  I saw crowded, hot bedrooms, and they saw service opportunities awaiting because teams would be staying onsite.  I heard loud, noisy children running amok.  They heard voices raised in VBS songs praising God.  I saw gardens that hadn't bloomed in some time.  They saw ministry in sustainability projects by people willing to stay for 3-6 weeks to focus on a specific project.

God put the very people that I needed in my path today.

Am I tired?  Yes.
Does it seem overwhelming?  Yes.
Will I give up?  No.

Tomorrow will be just as hard as today.  And next week, next month, next year will be hard as well.

But, I remind myself to focus on the positive more than the negative.  To see the possibility.