Trust

            The last two days have been stressful due to trust issues.  As you all know, I purchased a motorcycle four weeks ago.  I still have not been able to ride it on the roads because we have not gotten insurance or the license plates.  I trusted that others were following up on what they said they would do.  Turns out they weren’t.

            I finally started to push the issue on Monday, and Tuesday we headed back to the dealership to transfer official ownership to Gertrude because that seemed like the easiest thing to do.  Upon our arrival back at the orphanage (11:30 a.m.), Gertrude said that we couldn’t go get the insurance then because they weren’t taking any more papers today.  I questioned her on this because my patience after 3 ½ weeks was running low, because she hasn’t really known what the whole process entails, because she doesn’t always explain things clearly, and because I hadn’t seen or heard her make any phone calls.  I told her that I was going to check with a mutual friend who happened to be there.  She was not happy that I questioned her.

            Over the past week three (3) different employees have asked me for money—to pay for driving school or to send their kids to school.  I don’t trust their motives.  I want to believe that they are on the up and up.  But, I can’t be sure.  I can’t be sure that they are not manipulating me just to get money.  I hate the feeling of being manipulated.

            The motorcycle sage continued today when Roberto drove it to get the insurance.  He was stopped by the police (what are the odds??) , which was one of my fears.  Thankfully, Gertrude happened upon the scene.  Roberto ended up arrested, and the police confiscated the motorcycle.  Gertrude and Roberto had to go to the station to try to fix the mess.  But, they really had no “rights.”  Maybe on paper they do, but not in reality.  In reality, people don’t have rights here.  They can’t trust the police to “protect and serve,” and they can’t trust the government to do much of anything.  Pretty much, the police can do anything here and then toss away the key. 

            People in Haiti have learned to manipulate and tell stories to get what they need because the systems in place that we Americans assume are there to protect don’t really exist in Haiti.  If the system does exist, it can’t be trusted.  If you can’t trust others, then the only one you can trust is yourself.  And that sounds like a scary way to live.  To survive.  Even good people like Gertrude have to learn to manipulate in order to survive.  But every manipulation—even for good causes—tears away at trust.

            I have been anxious to drive my new motorcycle on the roads, to have some independence in a country where I have to depend on others for so much.  But, I’m a bit hesitant now.  What if the police stop me?  What if the sight of a white woman driving a motorcycle is so unusual that they decide to stop me for no reason?  I don’t trust that I will be allowed to drive around simply because the color of my skin and my gender make me stand out here.  I can’t imagine living with that uncertainty all the time.

            As I sat up on the roof tonight going through the events of the last 24 hours, I wondered “Who can I trust here?”  Who can I trust to be honest with me, to not manipulate me, to not sell me some story?  The answer that popped into my head?

“Trust in the Lord”

            I checked the Bible for references to “trust,” and I found quite a few in the small index in the back.  The one I like the most comes from Psalm 56: 3-4, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?”

            The people around me will manipulate me, lie to me, let me down—just like have done to people in my life.  Trust in people can only take me so far.  The real trust has to be in God. 

            How silly of me to lose sight of that over a motorcycle—a thing.  I pray that refocusing my trust to be in God will restore patience to me and help me keep things in perspective.