Struggling

            I decided to write this blog as soon as I got up because I hope that I can be a bit more objective that way.  I’ll be honest; the last 3-4 days have been pretty rough for me.  Physically, nothing has changed.  I’m healthy and safe.  The challenges have been emotional and mental.

            First of all, my visit with Susan and Rhonda was amazing!  They are great friends who came to a third-world country to visit, and not once did they complain about the conditions.  They rolled with the punches and found adventure in every experience.  What I struggled with was the lack of consideration shown to them at the guesthouse.  Gertrude was out of town at a celebration in her hometown, and Susan, Rhonda, and I were the only guests here.  It seemed as if little thought was given to how to make sure that their experience was as pleasant as when a boatload of guests are here.  They ran out of coffee; both Rhonda and Susan are morning coffee drinkers.  Evening meals came much later than normal because many of the staff were not here.  We had to negotiate rides on our own because the driver didn’t come to work the day we really needed him. 

            I know this sounds petty, but if the guests had been anyone other than my friends, I don’t think the guesthouse would have run this way.  Even though Susan and Rhonda didn’t complain (okay, they did a bit about the lack of coffee!), I felt bad because they weren’t being treated like other paying guests.

            Then we wanted to go through the kids’ clothes and give out some new ones.  Gertrude had given me permission to do this with them when Susan and Rhonda came to visit.  Suse, Gertrude’s sister, struggled with our doing it.  Every time we took a break, she would put all the clothes away and lock the depot.  Gabriel, the tutor for the kids (he speaks fluent English), shared with us that Suse thought Gertrude wouldn’t approve of giving out so many new clothes at once.  I had him explain that Gertrude had said it would be okay, but Suse didn’t look convinced.  We went ahead and gave out new clothes to many of the boys, and they loved it!  However, Suse seemed upset, as if I had usurped her authority.   

            We had told the girls that they would get some new clothes on Thursday or Friday.  Well, Suse often wasn’t here with the keys, so the girls have to keep waiting.  And it’s not just the girls who have to wait.  When Suse leaves and takes the keys with her, no one can accomplish much.  The nannies come to me with questions about more diapers for Marise or cleaning supplies, but I can’t help them because I don’t have access to any of the places that hold those supplies.  Gertrude typically leaves the keys with me when she leaves, but Suse doesn’t it.  I’m not sure why, but in my current emotional state, I’m taking it personally.  Especially when the nannies look at me like I’m lying when I say I can’t get them what I need (they are used to my being able to do so).

            Thursday morning I folded all the clothes from the boys that we had replaced with new ones.  I put them into three piles: clothes that could still be worn but were too big/small for the child who had them, clothes that could be worn if the holes in the seams were sewn, and ripped/stained clothes.  I took them to Suse because that is how Gertrude explained for me to do it.  Suse had me go through the clothes to “prove” that they were, in fact, worthy of being switched out.  Talk about feeling not respected or valued!

            I’ve been trying to see it all through the eyes of a different culture, but it’s hard.  I feel as if it’s personal.  I know some of it is that I’m sad that my friends left.  I think some of it is Suse not wanting Gertrude to be mad.  I’m sure some of it comes from living in a constant state of need and not wanting to waste a thing.  However, I don’t know how to shake the “she just doesn’t like me” feeling.

            So yesterday morning my attitude took another nose dive.  The school teachers had planned an Easter celebration for all the kids.  Everyone had good clothes on, treats, drinks, etc.   Well, as preparations were being made, Suse asked if I had any money so that she could go out and buy the snacks and drinks.  My first thought—quite uncharitable—was “Oh, so I’m not good enough to make decisions about clothes, but it’s okay to use my money because no one planned ahead to think about how to buy the treats for the party!”  I gave her all my goudes because I didn’t know how much she would need.  The kids had a great feast, and I don’t begrudge them that.  However, I can’t shake this feeling of being used. 

            The last straw was last night.  Supper is typically served at 5:00 p.m., but sometimes it’s as late as 6:00 or 6:30 when large groups are here.  Well, 5:00 came and went.  So did 6:00.  And then 6:30.  At 7:00 p.m. there was still no sign of supper being prepared, so I dug out some leftovers, heated them up, and ate up on the roof.  Well, at 8:00 Rosie came up to say that supper was almost ready.  I explained that I had already eaten.  She looked at me as if I had three heads!  Her first response was “Those leftovers weren’t for you.”  Then she wanted to know what she should tell Lucienne, who had cooked.  I told her to tell her I was sorry, but that I didn’t know supper was coming so late.  Rosie came back up about 15 minutes later to say that supper was ready and was I going to eat.  I told her no, that I had already eaten.  She looked at me as if I was the most ungrateful thing in the world (okay, maybe that was just my imagination).  But, she did look a bit put out.  I apologized again, saying that I didn’t know supper would be at 8:00 instead of 5:00 or 6:00.

            So, it’s Saturday morning right now.  The sun is shining (as usual), and more of the staff is here.  I think Gertrude may actually return today.  I hope now that I’ve gotten all this off my chest I can see things in a different light and not take what happens so personally.