Au Revoir, Zami Mwen

This is it.  

My last blog for this trip.  

I started planning for this trip back in 2011.

I saved, I prayed, I planned.

Now, it's over.

I don't even know where to begin in processing all that this trip has entailed; I've no doubt that I will be processing the impact of this trip on me for months (years?) to come.  I won't try to encapsulate all of it (any of it?) at this time.

What I can share with you is how God continues to work right up to the moment I leave.

Chedner's kids

I met a woman named Elizabeth Landers about five weeks ago at horse therapy.  She and her friend Humena took an interest in the kids, and lots of video was made.  The two of them came to visit last Wednesday at the orphanage after horse therapy, and we talked about what needs the orphanage has.  Elizabeth mentioned that she had a friend who might be able to help us clear the land for the school, and we made plans to meet Monday morning at the land.

Chedner's kids again

They were having a hard time finding the land, so Gertrude and I walked up a ways to meet them (we were already sweaty since we had walked to the land from the Rebo Cafe, about 15 minutes).  I didn't know what kind of car to look for, so imagine my surprise when two black cars with tinted windows pulled up.  Both of them had flashing red and blue lights on indicating that they were government cars. Out steps Elizabeth and her friend Thierry.  Out of the other car step two armed security guards.  Turns out her "friend" is in the Martelly government--I think as an adviser to the President.  Sure wish I'd known that!  I would have worn something besides a T-shirt and shorts.

It seems as if Elizabeth will be able to find us a bulldozer that we can use to tear down the remaining parts of the crumbled guesthouse and she may be able to help Gertrude find access to more rice/beans/cornmeal for the kids to eat.  Who'd a thunk that horse therapy would lead to connections in the Haitian government.  Go God.

Then the group that is here now has given me some contacts about adopting the kids here.  Three families are seriously interested in Leo, Kendina, and my Alicia (yes, I'm still a bit jealous of her being adopted!).  My feelings aside, God is working in these kids lives through everyone He brings to Gertrude's.  Go God.

This morning was my last day of swim therapy, and a young woman was relaxing by the pool when Alain, Christine, and I arrived.  We talked for a few minutes, and it turns out we have a couple of things in common: we've both been here since January, we've both been working in orphanages with special-needs kids, and we both want to come back to continue are work.  The difference is that she wants to come back to work in PAP instead of Gonaives.  She actually helped with Alain this morning, so both kids had a good hour in the water.  She is interested in coming back to work with the kids at Gertrude's (Rachael has training in working with special-needs kids, so she'd be a step ahead of me).  Go God.

I handed off the music skyping to Gabriel this morning; he will be taking over in the fall when school starts up again.  Horse therapy is in the hands of Alix who comes on June 1.  Water therapy is now under the control of Healing Haiti.  I love these programs, and I want to still be a part of them.  But, if they are to succeed, I know that they have to be able to function whether I'm here or not.  I know that in my head, but my heart is struggling with letting them go into the hands of others.  It's arrogant to think that I have to be the one to run them, but that's how I'm feeling right now.  I have to get over that!

I went over to Chedner's orphanage today because Rosie said the kids had something for me.  They are the best.  They had a song prepared for me, and then the oldest spoke and said "thank you" for all that I had done.  Just about broke my heart.  I promised that I would come back and that I would bring friends with me (that means YOU!)  

Someone--I honestly don't know who--put up a bunch of signs around the building today saying good-bye to me.  Sweet.  The teachers had a gift for me.  It's too much.  Everyone here has already given me so much;  I don't need the tangible gifts at all.  But, they will serve as daily reminders of my time in Haiti and will remind me that I must return.

I need to take the time to figure out what this trip has meant for me; that will take time.  As answers come to me, I will find ways to share them.  I may send out e-mails, I may post on my Facebook page, or I may write more blogs.  Until then, thank you for reading, following along, and walking with me on this journey.  Your support has meant the world to me.

It's a Party!

Today is Mother's Day in Haiti.

Church

Party food

I didn't know that until church this morning when they did quite a few special tributes to mothers.  It was pretty cool.  I also figured out that that's why the teachers planned a special party for the nannies this afternoon!  The party was pretty cute.  The nannies were escorted in by the younger boys, the kids sang songs, and presents were given out to each of them.  The timing worked out well because I was able to give out my gifts at the same time--I liked it that way because I didn't want it to be a big deal.  The food was pretty typical "party food" here: popcorn, cookies, and candies.  You could see the kids just about start salivating at the BIG bowl of popcorn.  One addition to the party food were little sandwiches made with some sort of vegetable salad type filling.  They looked good, but I didn't have one.

Church this morning was LONG!  Pretty much a three-hour service due to the Mother's Day activities.  I am so glad I brought my Bible along to read because I think I might have gone stir crazy otherwise.  I can get parts of the service now, but to really understand it, I have to concentrate so much I get a headache.  Even though it was long, I'm glad I went one last time with the kids.  Lovely held my hand the whole way there and the whole way back.  The group of psychology students and their adviser came with us.  They enjoyed it--they haven't been able to get out much and see the area because of the work they are doing at a nearby medical clinic.

Buddha contemplating garbage

Cool flower at the historical park

I took a couple of them to the Sugar Cane Historic Park just to get out for a bit.  They enjoyed it--we had a drink and a bite to eat at the restaurant there.  I think the part they liked the most was coming back on taptaps and motorcycles!  I enjoy showing people around.  So many of the groups aren't able to get out of the compound or out of the chauffeured vehicles that they miss out on some great experiences.  Yesterday I sent them on the "tour" that includes the Apparent Project and the drive up to Radio Hill.  They loved it!  Of course, their trip also included a stop at Star 2000, a grocery store, so that may have what put them over the edge.

Daily storm clouds!

I had a rough moment this afternoon when party preparations were under way.  It hit me hard that I leave in two days.  I almost started crying.  It's going to be harder to leave than I thought.  It's not so much the leaving that will be hard; it's the saying good-by.  I am not looking forward to that part.  I just want to go to bed Tuesday night like it's any other night, get up Wednesday morning, and head out like any other morning. It's just that this Wednesday I'll be taking all my stuff with me.

My gift from the teachers!

One way that I can tell leaving will be harder than I thought is that I'm jealous of the people who get to stay.  One of the psych. group has grown very attached to my Baby Alicia, and I don't like it.  She's posted pictures of the kids on her Facebook page, and some of her friends are seriously interested in adopting Leo, Alicia, and Kendina.  Which is great.  But I don't want my Alicia to be adopted while I am gone.  I want to meet the adoptive parents and give my stamp of approval.  I'm jealous of the folks who will come stay here in my absence because they will experience the kids in ways that I won't.  Life will go on here without me, and that thought bothers me.

These feelings lead me to think that my return to America will be more topsy-turvy than I thought.  I apologize in advance to my friends and family--please forgive me my touchiness, sadness, and mood swings in advance!

Bittersweet

Today is Saturday, so that I means I have my Creole lesson with Oriol.  He shared that the group I spoke with at his church a couple of weeks ago really liked my being there and wanted me to come again.  I was flattered and said that I would love to go back on my next trip to Haiti.

He stared at me.

He thought I was going home on JUNE 29, not May 29.  I thought he was going to start crying.  I felt so bad for the misunderstanding that I felt like crying.

Oriol has been such a blessing to me in so many ways: friend, tutor, explainer of all things Haitian.  I have come to really value his friendship, and I will miss seeing him every week.  He has decided to hire a tutor to help him prepare for the TOEFL test so that he can take it again and earn a better score.  His dream is still to come to the U.S. to study music and education so that he can become a teacher.  Please pray for him as he continues to work toward making this dream a reality.

Ironically, after saying good-bye to Oriol, just a couple of hours later I got to say hello to a friend that I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years!  Joanna Dohs (Thiele) came by to visit with her husband John.  I first met Joanna on my first mission trip to Haiti back in November of 2009.  She was one of the leaders of that trip, and we have stayed in touch via e-mail, phone conversations, and Facebook, but we haven't actually seen each other since that trip.  It was great to meet her husband and catch up on so much.  As we talked I was struck by how many people I have met through my trips to Haiti.  It's like this whole other part of my life that is distinctly separate from my life in the States.  At least now, though, I have three people from my life in the States who know what I'm talking about when I reference people/places in Haiti: Michaela, Susan, and Rhonda.

I would love it if more of you came for a visit with me!  There is so much to do and see--I think you'd like it! So, if you have an interest in coming on a trip to PAP, let me know.  I will be more than happy to plan it.

I'm enjoying myself up on the roof tonight.  A fine breeze is blowing as another evening storm moves in.  I can hear the thunder, and the lightening is gorgeous.  And here comes the rain!  Time to pack it up because the rain here has been pretty vicious as of late.

The First of the Lasts

View from Delmas

It's really starting to hit home that I leave in less than a week.  I had to run up to Delmas 66 to have pictures printed, and as I walked back down, I realized today was probably the last time I would be up that way on this trip.  I stopped and looked out at the ocean off in the distance.  I just love that view.  I took some pictures, but they just can't capture the look as well as the human eye.

Looking down Delmas

At Delmas 75 I stopped and purchased a Coke and an ear of corn for lunch.  I leaned up against the 1/2 brick wall and ate.  I got lots of stares and a few comments, but today those didn't really bother me.  I was focused on being able to eat cooked food from a street vendor, which is hard to do in most places in my area.  I was pretty full after about 1/2 the ear, but I didn't know what to do with the rest!  I didn't want to throw it out--first of all, I couldn't do it because it was only half eaten and I would feel as if I were wasting food (but I didn't want to offer to a stranger!); secondly, even though there was garbage all around me, I just couldn't bring myself to toss it on the street.  So, I carried it with me.  Finally, while waiting for my taptap I slipped it into a side mesh pocket of my backpack meant for water bottles.  I actually carried it all the way back to the orphanage with me (along with the empty can of Coke because I couldn't litter with that either!)

Yesterday was my last day with horse therapy.  The kids did great!  Cade didn't need anyone to hold him on--he sat on the horse, just as proud as can be, with no attempts to throw himself off.  Christina can now ride with just a little support on one leg--she started without being able to sit up and needing someone to ride behind her.  Jean-Daniel sits up straight the whole time and even pushes his helmet back by himself so that he can see.  Rosaline is sitting up straighter for longer periods of time.  Her face lights up every Wednesday morning when it's time to go, and I love seeing how the trainers work with her and talk with her.  Milo is great with her.

Tonight's storm

More rain

We've been getting a lot of rain lately and not just during the night.  Yesterday and today it rained stormed around 5:00 p.m.  And I mean it STORMED.  Thunder, lightening, wind, rain.  Last night the wind blew so much many of the rooms flooded because the rain was coming in so much.  I won't necessarily miss the muddiness that follows rains here, but I will miss the intensity of the downpours.

"Haiti is advancing"

I took a couple more pictures on my walk down Delmas.  The Martelly signs have been showing up everywhere in the last week.  He's two years into his five-year term and does not hesitate to toot his own horn.  I would expect it if he could run for another term right away, but he can't.  In Haiti, a person can only serve two terms, but they cannot be back-to-back.  I find that interesting.  Maybe he's already preparing for the election in 2020!

 The picture of the food stand on the right I took because I pass it on my way down Delmas every time I go to print pictures.  It's somewhere around Delmas 85, I think, and I have always wanted to stop and get something.  I don't, however, because I'm not sure how my stomach would react.  It's obviously a large operation and well established based on the size and the number of customers I usually see at it.  The first time I saw it I thought it was a "soup kitchen" because of its size.  I've never seen a "soup kitchen" here before, so I guess it's a for-profit business.  I just like it.  Who knows?  Maybe on another trip I'll stop in and buy some lunch.

Being Serious

If you read the blog about my trip to Gertrude's home village, I hope you heard some humor thrown in with the events that tried my patience.  I do want to take a moment to reflect on some of the serious moments and thoughts that I had.

I wrote the following sentence in the previous blog: "mob of greedy, needy, pushy, people."  I'm not proud of those words, but it's what I felt at the time.  I wanted the people to line up and be polite.  I wanted them to wait their turn and listen to me.  I felt bad for Rhonda (and me) because I wanted her to be able to get some good pictures of thankful people to take back to her mother and the group of women who lovingly made the dresses.  I was angry at Gertrude and the priest for not helping us out.

In my anger I took away a gift that wasn't mine to take away.  Pretty pathetic.

 In my head, I can say I understand why the Haitians acted the way they did: "they are extremely poor, they don't have much and they don't know when they will get anything, if they wait they won't get anything so they have to be pushy, they are desperate."  In my heart, though, I don't truly understand.  That pushiness, that "in-your-face-I'm-going-to-get-what-I-can" neediness turns me off.  I want them to contain their neediness to acceptable levels (as determined by me, of course).

I tend (I think . . . I hope) to not ask for what I need, much less what I want.  I tend (I think . . . I hope) to hang back, thinking that patience will bring me through in the end.  And even when I stand firm and demand, I tend (I think . . . I hope) to do so with a quiet, firm voice.  I don't shout, push, and get in people's faces (I think . . . I hope).

You see, I can intellectualize the situation, but I can't truly understand it.  I have never . . . NOT ONCE . . . lived in want.  I have never known what it is like to not know where my next meal is coming from.  I have never feared that my child would die due to starvation, disease, or illness.  Because I have never experienced those things, I can't know how/why Haitians act the way they do.

I have lived a life of luxury and comfort my entire life.  I live with the privilege of knowing that no matter what, not matter where I am in the world, I have a passport that lets me into the richest country in the world. I can escape anytime.  Haitians, and others who live in this type of poverty, don't have that escape.  Their reality is here with all its hardships, flaws, hopes, and fears.

When a gift is given, it should be given with no strings attached, no requirements on demonstrating thanks, no certain behaviors expected.  I forgot that when I took the dresses and walked away.  I attached expectations to the gift, making it no longer a gift.

I missed an opportunity to walk with the people of Damassin on their journey for that one day.  Instead of making it a joyful distribution of a gift made with love, I made it about my expectations.

I pray God gives me a chance to learn from this and do it better next time.