Unsure

I titled the post "Unsure" because I wasn't sure whether I wanted to post it or not.  I wrote it last night, but couldn't upload it due to Internet issues.  I thought about just not posting it at all because it wasn't overly flattering to me or anyone else and because it isn't my best writing.  But, I decided to go ahead with it because it's real.  Yes, it's not the best.  But, I wasn't at my best yesterday either.  And as hard as it is to share the very real, very not-so-best sides of me, I want to be honest about what I feel and do here in Haiti.  To whitewash and sugar coat events does little good.

New Clothes

Painting the hallway

     So much to learn as American working in Haiti.  I really want things to happen so that our sponsors back home can see the results of their donations, but in order to do that, I sometimes have to push the receivers to do things on my time table so that I can get the requisite photos to take back and show.  It’s a balancing act that I don’t know that I always do so well.  Chedner did find (make) the time to go out today and order the fabric for the boys’ pants, and he bought them new shirts and shoes.  He also got the girls new dresses.  At first he said that he couldn’t do it until tomorrow, but I wonder whether he thought he had to do it today to please me.  I hope not, but I think maybe so.

            My leadership skills were put to the test today, and I failed miserably.  I felt pulled in multiple directions while we painted: get this moved, get the kids out of here, tell him to stop painting, can’t they move that crap?, I think we should do this, no do that, start here, no there.  My voice became snippier and snippier.  I try to communicate with Chedner what all we need/want, but it’s hard.  I just don’t know enough “painting” words in Creole. 

A before picture of the bedrooom

            Then, I tried to get the group to stop for lunch, but some of the members didn’t want to stop.  I tried to explain that we needed to break not only for ourselves (eat, replenish water), but also so that the kids could eat.  I didn’t do so well.  I also let personal feelings get in the way.  I felt as I had somehow become the resident idiot painter as every (or so it seemed) idea I presented was shot down.  Back at the guesthouse we had to rearrange our plans for the next couple of days because we want to finish the painting before taking time to “play.”  I again tried to explain that we couldn’t just skip lunch to work straight though the next day (we need to take care of ourselves and make sure we have enough water), we couldn’t eat in front of the kids to save time (culturally insensitive), and we couldn’t just eat outside in the street (again, culturally insensitive).  I guess I should have done more official cultural awareness training before we left.  That’s hard to do when with a group made up of friends and sort of acquaintances.  I need to figure out how to handle that.  Even at the end of the day when it was time to pack up, the comment was made we’ll stay until we finish the tray of paint.  I responded with “No, we have to leave so that we can be back at 5:00.”  That’s because I want to respect the schedule at the guesthouse. 

Alligator didn't make it a day

            As is obvious, I did not handle my leadership responsibilities well today.  I let my own emotions get in the way as I talked with people, and I let my frustrations show. 

Highlights of the Day

1.       Finding swimsuits for the kids who are going to the beach on Thursday.

2.      Taking Va Va to PID to check out the gunk in her eye.  We couldn’t get in before the 3:00 closing, so I will go back in the morning (7:30 a.m.).

3.      Talking with Gertrude about future plans for the guesthouse and school.

4.      Bringing out the Scooby Doo coloring pages (all kids seem to know Scooby Doo).

5.      Seeing Roberto again!

6.      Drinking an ice-cold Coca after a hot day of working.

7.      Making plans to take Alexandria for an evaluation tomorrow (one step closer to a medical visa—please be praying!).

8.      Sitting on the roof top chatting with friends.

9.      Helping Rosie with her homework.

The babies get diapers and a swimshirt