Missionary

Over the years I've often wondered about the word "missionary."  What does it mean exactly?  What does it mean to be a missionary?  Am I one?

Being an English teacher, I think of both the denotation (dictionary definition) and the connotation (emotional response) of the word.  Webster says that a missionary is a person undertaking a mission and especially a religious mission.  Webster didn't necessarily clear it up for me, so I looked at the definition given for English language learners--a person who is sent to a foreign country to do religious work (such as to convince people to join a religion or to help people who are sick, poor, etc.).  That was a little better, except for the part about "[convincing] people to join a religion."  

I then looked up the definition of "mission" to see whether that would help me. Here's what Webster had to say: a ministry commissioned by a religious organization to propagate its faith or carry on humanitarian work.  Again, I struggled with the "commissioned by a religious organization to propagate its faith."  

According to the dictionary definition of the words, I am a missionary.  I have gone to a foreign country to undertake a religious work that is to help people who are sick, poor; to carry on a humanitarian work.  However, it's the connotative meaning that I struggle with.  

A "missionary" often has a negative connotation.  Early Christian missionaries did great damage to every culture they encountered.  It was only the humblest of them who could see that their work was about serving God, not about imposing a more "civilized" culture upon those with whom they were working.  I know missionaries have learned lots since the "bad old days."  But, that doesn't mean that people's reaction to the word itself has changed.  My "religious work" has nothing to do with propagating the Christian faith; the religious work is being done within me.  I am growing in my faith every day.  I am learning to rely on God in more ways than I could ever imagine.  Haiti is working on me as much, if not more so, as I am working on Haiti.  If that makes sense.

My efforts in carrying "on a humanitarian work" often run headlong into my own arrogance.  My belief that I know what is best.  My attitude that I should/could/can change a system in a matter of months that has developed--for good or bad--over decades.  And why would my system be better?  Why, because it's my system!  How arrogant of me to think that way.  But, I confess, I do think that way.  I think if Gertrude, Suse, the nannies just bought into my way of doing things, then all would function just fine.  I won't be here forever, though.  When I leave, they will still be here.  In Haiti.  With all the cultural pressures and expectations that come with living in this society.  My job as a "missionary" is to humble myself and learn what is good about Haitian culture/systems, celebrate those, listen to learn what changes are being sought, and then work with the folks here to bring about change that is sustainable whether I am here or not.

I don't know how some of you may react to the word "missionary," but my gut reaction is that I don't know whether I am worthy of that designation.  For me, a missionary is one who humbles herself to God's will and strives to serve others; one who sees value in the culture of those being served; one who lets others see her faith in her actions not her words; one who sees "the big picture," not just what is in the immediate present; one who can let go of her own ego.  

Yesterday I used the term "missionary" to refer to myself for the first time.  I shared with a visiting group of P.T.'s that I was here at Gertrude's as a long-term missionary.  I have hesitated to describe myself as such for all the reasons/thoughts stated above.  I am trying on the word for size.  Seeing how it feels.  Seeing whether I can own that word.  I'm working on it.  It, too, will be a journey.