Help Me

Help me.  That was my prayer this morning as I sat up on the roof preparing for my day.  I tried to run through a list of prayers that I wanted to send to God, but those words were all that I could form.  Help me. 

Help me fight off of the feelings of overwhelmedness.  Help me to stop feeling as if I won’t “do enough.”  Help me feel less afraid to speak and make mistakes.  Help me stop feeling homesick already.  Help me to stop feeling so alone.  Help me stop being afraid that others will find out that I really don’t know what I’m doing and that I’m all talk and no action and that they shouldn’t have trusted me with anything.

I’m not sure why I am having such struggle so early.  I really thought the first weeks would be okay and that I wouldn’t start feeling so overwhelmed until later.  These feelings have hit me full force right away for some reason.  I decided to take it one day at a time.  Then, I decided to take it a ½ day at a time.  Then I decided an hour at a time would suffice.  And it worked.  I feel much better now than I did yesterday at this time.

            After praying I went downstairs to help with breakfast.  I’ve never been here before on a weekend, and I thought it would be chaos.  It was the exact opposite!  After the school kids ate, they all helped feed the special-needs kids and clean them up.  They are amazingly helpful.  I guess it’s like in any big family—the older kids help with the younger ones.  I then set up a play area upstairs so that I could work with some of the needy kids without being besieged by the others.  I brought up Alicia, Kendina, and Phonsley.  Kendina is developing pretty normally, and I thought she would be helpful in playing with the other two.  I feel as if I accomplished something this morning.  Alicia played, reached for toys, and as she grew more comfortable she pulled herself up and walked!  She has been malnourished and pretty much abandoned up to now, and I think she just needs to be socialized.  It sound so horrible to say it that way, but I think it’s true.

            Phonsley continues to pull himself along on his arms, but doesn’t push with his feet.  He also has less torso strength than I originally thought.  When sitting up, he does better using my body and legs to support his torso.  He played with more toys that way. 

            Gertrude and I talked a bit more about my work schedule.  I get to take one day off a week, which surprised me.  I kinda thought I would just work everyday.  I’m not sure where I would go or what I would do on a day off, but I have one.  I’ll see what develops.  I know one thing that I’d like to do is have my friend Oriol tutor me on those days.  I really need help in learning my Creole, and he’s a good teacher.  He can help me with my Creole, and I plan to help him prepare for the TOEFL test again.  Gertrude said that paying about $10/hour would be a going rate.  I want to make it worth his while to come all this way.  Maybe in time he could also show me around town more on my day off. 

            I said earlier that I thought today would be chaotic with all the kids here, but there is a weekend routine as well.  After breakfast, the school kids have time with their tutor Gabriel who works with them on their English.  I sat in for part of the lesson so that I could learn some Creole!  Then they have some free time until lunch around noon.  Again, the school kids help feed the special-needs kids.  After lunch it is quiet time.  All the kids lie down from 1-3.  That happens on weekdays, too.  I can probably use that time to eat my lunch, relax, read, etc. Then at 3:00 I opened up the playground area for the kids to play.  I used that time to bring each of the wheelchair kids into the play area so that they could swing for a bit.  The kids played until 4:15, and then I had them settle down some before dinner. 

            During the nap time I did pull out some of the special- needs kids for some massage therapy.  I do use the term “massage therapy” loosely.  The kids seemed to enjoy the stretching and massaging, but I would like to learn more about how to do it so that that time is helpful.  I don’t think I’ll break any of them, but I don’t want to do damage!

            Help me.  That’s how my day started.  And God was there to help me.  It’s such a great reminder that I am not here alone.  That God is walking with me every step.